"...about how the artist 'appeals to our capacity for delight and wonder, to the sense of mystery surrounding our lives;  to our sense of pity, and beauty and pain...and to the subtle but invincible conviction of solidarity that knits together the lonliness of innumerable hearts, to the solidarity in dreams, in joy, in sorrow, in aspirations, in illusions, in hope, in fear which binds men to each other, which binds together all humanity -- the dead to the living and the living to the unborn."

walking through the yard following a footpath trotted out by the dogs up past the shed and down toward the garden the black cat emerges from creekbrush and leads the way home.  i think:  how many other women marginalized and strange have walked in the liminal air of octobereve behind a beastie bedwarmer and heard the geese call up the journeymaking and smelled the homesafe smell of wood burning and felt accutely sweetly alive?  many, is my wager.  those of us who live with ourselves for the mostpart, who are never not aware of the watcher who watches behind our very eyes, who walk in peace with the fourlegs and the seasons but find few comforts in the company of man.  out in the mist and the micklewood, on the shore and piney snowhill we walk thinking quiet breathing our feet on the earth our eyes resting on all around us at home where noneother are.

 

i cant fully forgive us for what was done.  the way of the world and corruption absolutely but still.  we watched the fox followed the fox into a non-ending ive been seeing foxed everywhere suddenly now at ease in the decline the bloody bits rustling and more apparent.  the color of the fox and the tree on the hill and food.  the pictures are everywhere im blowing a wad on new telescopes like the magic schoolbus explores my soul.

  tonight theres one less cat and the sound of chewing bones but its a funeral wake, not an unfortunate feast.  dz.made a shrine by the back door, a watchful eye dryfood

here lies the undead monkey

two under the knife to keep the kittens from coming and tomorrow i get my chakras aligned.  i get t. all weekend blessed be and itll be cloudy with a chance of meatballs tonight we sat in the pizza parlor and laughed.  we laughed down the aisles of the store we laughed they make me laugh these are the men ive been waiting for, i suppose, my reward for being.  theres a call from the laundromat and neither of us are good on the phone.  tonight christmas lights peatbog fairies and the woodstove with beautiful hardwood blessed be books hot pizza on a rainy night in october fine wood and a good bed and sons of laughter.  

 

we got home in the pittering darkness, breathing. "home" he says.  puddles and smoke sweet from homes chimney and a dance away into a greater darkness all of us turning in seasons and tiltling toward the light.  we carry the nights bagable plenty into home light and heat we like movies and organic rainbow leg warmers.  i steal away i hear him laughing upstairs "anal dwelling butt-monkey!"  nico starts to sing.

 

did i mention them running from knoll to knoll barn and boathouse safe.  we ate good food.  i think i mentioned this.  my life is extraordinary and intense.

recent conversation at the marketstore:

Me:  "do you know dave the glassman?"

Him:  "i am dave the glassman."

the day had been such that when dz. came to the car window and in hushed tones explained that "the undead monkey isnt undead anymore" i fully imagined the jack russel we buried in august had somehow resurrected from behind the compost pile and was scratching at the door.   every surface teemed with possibility.  we discussed ozzy vs. dio and the cultural significance of joey ramone.  we discussed how eating shrooms make you see santa and why.  they warned me when improper language was coming up in the music.  this is the gift i leave the world.  t. explains on the way home that "it would have been a big bummer if you were [the cat] today."   i talk to the boys about death, im eastern european.  but its not fear or guilt its death.  its okay.

 

today the windows close.  you know winters coming when the windows close and we drive into town to buy everyone pants.  i read a childrens storybook today meant to relay the feeling of Holocaust.  rabbits and amorphous menacing clouds.  ive been thinking a lot about The Holocaust and its one of those things where suddenly its everywhere.  pregnant women and the terminally ill have the same effect on people.  one day they are nowhere and the next everywhere.  i sat at the grownups table and cried.  t. comes down:

"youll love this movie.  it has a big life lesson."

 

full moon coming on weekend sleep in superhot coffeemaker organic rainbow legwarmers sd i havent let myself read your letter yet it needs headspace i havent had all week.  this weekend headspace and your letter, mine in reply.  the garlic came and sunflower seeds doublegoldy the remember that wheels are for turning.  this newyear this winter welcomed in with black black and a glorious pointed hat of hopi guatemala hue a big fire and my 37th turn.  this winter i am initiated into the church of macrolens and learn to juggle.  this winter i read books and knit for the newone.

"Comes the morning
When I can feel
That there's nothing left to be concealed
Moving on a scene surreal
No, my heart will never, will never be far from here

Sure as I am breathing
Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I had
And there's a reason I'll be, a reason I'll be back

As I walk the hemisphere
I got my wish to up and disappear
I've been wounded, I've been healed
Now for landing I've been, for landing I've been cleared

Sure as I am breathing
Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I had
This love has got no ceiling."

cat power dog magic a readying for something wonderful large life-shaped. 

 

46 of 365:

1.  amor fati.
2.  time with my kids.
3.  rain in october.
4.  sd.
5.  [the cat] was 105 in cat years.
6.  exile on mainstreet.
7.  organic rainbow legwarmers.
8.  the satisfying spoon ring.
9.  the bed.
10.  laughing.