Longing, we say, because desire is full
of endless distances.”

31 July 2008

Bright Idea #63: Live in Season.
"Penetrate the heart of just one drop of water, and you will be flooded by a hundred oceans." Woke at daybreak from a dream their angry creature coming at me greedy vicious beastie set upon me so i wrote it down and went back to bed after braiding prayers into a queue for you. woke to zen banjo and yogurt with vanilla on a plate red as the sun. up and about the quilts too big for the batting so were westward it seems slow and beautiful everything extraordinary as if ive been given three weeks to live and thats how id like to live anyway seeing everything for the first and last living as einstein said as if everything were a miracle. on the eve of a turning first harvest well breathed wine in a cup of wonder. wheat colored light corn pollen perfume id love to smell that way. all my goddesses are from the Autumn quarter, Hecate, Inanna, Demeter, Rhiannon all fire earth sacrifice the glorious travail of Surrender and Reclaiming. ever weeding needed dinner zucchini bread (two kinds) snaking the hose through the corn rows to water peppers cabbage lavender sage zinnia carrot gourd he comes out and plays a little tune on the traveling guitar big green pumpkins and #4 a kiddie pool cannonball he comes to me arms open and holds me little warm and wet and i never mind at all.

30 July 2008

Bright Idea #62: "Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good."
"Our thought forms, our language, encourage us to see ourselves or a plant or an animal as an isolated sac, a thing, a contained self, whereas the epidermis of the skin is ecologically like a pond surface or a forest soil, not a shell so much as a delicate interpenetration." Moon in cancer not in the flow today just wanted to loll in the white bed so far nothing following through yesterday a tough act to follow everything half way and could be worse even the rain doesnt fall just the clouds a drop ceiling in the cubicle of wednesday. good coffee tibetan incense #4 count the stars music i suddenly remember the feeling behind my breastbone rising back on a ferris wheel the joy of emptiness just as quickly filled. what is the magick of birds? i know theres hollow bones and feathers but arent we all more than we are? we need petrol and provisions but this lean season makes me grateful makes me pare down the fat and live close to the bone true marrow maybe one day ill be called to share even that and help someone else notice as if for the first time geese in october food in the mouth light on the water this lean living where whats important is so much easier to see. Smiling waving walking peace the tough guy clicks to his dog is gentle safe with me as witness to his humanity near the bottom of the blog you will see what is when we succumb to the illusion of separation. this is what is done every day in little ways by those trapped in ego nightmare free yourself free your heart and mind. a little girl was told to put her kite away because flying it was illegal instead go buy some cheap petroleum based product and eat your instant dinner playing your killing game inside your climate controlled house where youre safe because we know where you are. i can be angry but the anger is a fuel for change i can be sad but the sorrow is rain that passes over the land within me always is the pure joy of living the great gratitude of giving the beautiful truth of my breath that feeds all possibilities of now.

29 July 2008

Bright Idea #61: The Heart is a Muscle.
"If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work but rather, teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea." Woke just full of flow, everything easy water and air through me blue sky green garden grateful for this day the man in the ground and i walk drawing breath smelling of wayside flowers and hay. the bees are in the sunflowers i liberate roses and lavender from strangling vines and pigweed, volunteer army of tomato plants. everything is green. the quality of light changes mellowing just ever so into august pumpkins and tomatoes are green he brought me a green bean and a rock like a hand "happy mothers day." we took a walk and saw blue pool tassled corn mother with baby. i wear less and less until its a dorothy lamour desert island fantasia theyre in the creek excavating for autumns hearthstone dinner cooking he said vacuum i said roller coaster but its better overall today and its just staying in the saddle keeping an eye on the horizon that may never arrive but will always be beautiful. end of day pruning snips flesh wound sat in the shade hand over heart watching him play the beautiful waves mathematically perfect nautilus in space beyond the blue is black and stars that are larger than our sun and they gift a light they may no longer enjoy themselves. i surrender to gravity and time and am so happy and thankful i made it this far.

21 July 2008

Bright Idea #60: Serve the Greater Good.
"Love alone is radical." I have discovered that with most things a quiet interval of peaceful breathing and gentle thoughts makes space for growth, renewal and healing. Reacting only perpetuates a volatile situation. Making space for the whirlwind to work itself out allows for you and the whirlwind. Fear, anger, impatience only constrict the space and make the tempest greater and more likely to do real harm. My life has to start from me. it can feed others, shelter others, be a light for others, but it must be rooted firmly in the earth or else it withers and dies to try again in another form. a sunflower is beautiful and useful and it never questions either. it is as it is. one sunflower in a field of a thousand is still one sunflower of a thousand in a beautiful field that one day surrenders itself to its use for food, giving up all its light and energy for others. there is a deep peace in Being. in being open and authentic. ive struggled for years denying myself my Self. and authenticity springs from acceptance of the Self. the energy that reflects itself in petals and eyes and fingers and pollen and growth, renewal, healing. so let me be a sunflower in a field of a thousand. let me share my basic beauty and Light and surrender to a Great Circle that sends me down back into the earth to transform and rise up again to Love and Light, an entirely new pair of eyes to see the world a better place because of who i was before. thats the gift of living.

18 July 2008

Bright Idea #59: Don't go away from Fear. Go Toward Freedom.
"Last night, as I was sleeping, I dreamt -- marvelous error!—that I had a beehive here inside my heart. And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures." Harder than i thought, but it passes. the pang of it little one lost abandoned ghost rocketing around at times like this dragging razor chains and church bells. still sad and sorry for myself. still ache and cry in private honoring my grief like i wasnt able to then or now. my own fault. its okay and for the best but it still hurts. you can get by with one hand but the stump is a presence and sometimes the fingers still itch. guru says this is good. the pain the grief even if its private even if i have to pay someone to make a space for me to be okay in for me to be human in for me to be safe. the one lost in the deer park the one leo lost the little girl-baby lost. we make choices and it better this way but im processing the definitive end of opportunity. the end of choice. i had my chance my choice. and its for the best but it still hurts more than i let it. i acquaint myself with ghosts and silence it is this grief that perhaps will save me from grief in the next life when someone will celebrate my growing will celebrate the life ive made and not look at me with blank disappointed eyes will look away. its hard. and im grateful for the safety of solitude in which i can feel something about it and cry. it passes. and whatever happens is okay.

17 July 2008

Bright Idea #58: Abandon your false Sense of Isolation.
"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can." Morning started brilliant up quick to receive dog sisters niece turns seventeen gets books and jewelry from new boyfriend earrings he made himself. the sky lowers like night and the electricity draws back into itself giving ground to its higher power. the quiet and isolation is a balm. we light beeswax candles and tibetan incense and i stretch #4 draws in the dark kitchen later on we walk to the mailbox and its a washed blue sky and a sweet breeze and she meets me down the street tells me the year the tornado took the roof off her house shes selling she needs quiet and isolation. its humid and im hiding in the house with knitting and books gluing a map into the book in case i find myself in utah any time soon. theres so much of this country i want to see the sky at night in montana the morning sun in new mexico. this enormous urge to travel to go to just sit quietly and be there be here wherever here happens to be but im here now and almost done with the sari-quilt, solved the birthday girl gift issue, figured out what how to feed everyone again, and rode around the hamlet on my chanticleer with no knickers, waving. a full life.

14 July 2008

Bright Idea #57: Ask.
"The 'I' appears from within the context of mind and body; however, if you investigate these places from which it appears, you cannot find it." The man came for the money and didnt come back. #4 presented my with breakfast of organic yogurt and black raspberries he had picked that morning as i was sleeping. banjo raga waking me up to a brilliant day of sheep clouds passing to the open blue meadow of sky. theres yoga at the commune on the hill and i still havent finished the quilt. hot in the sun breezy beautiful shade smelling of dinner Louise got me there and back on mantras and fumes Thank You. she went to see the doc but he was elsewhere so theyll read her blood and get back to her, i talked about birthday presents in a jar. its thin but still so much there the earth feeds us the earth offers all we need and we think we need more. watch sunlight through leaves listen to water over creek stones taste purslane and berries from the briar feel the grass beneath your bare feet smell the sun on a hayfield smell the perfume of earth before it rains. we are all people all earthlings but were distracted a neon light show liquid crystal display. sit quietly. breathe. i told him i had Faith and was not afraid. fear is a beartrap in a shoebox on the kitchen table. put flowers there instead. invite your brothers and sisters to sit down to eat. make the space for Love. give fear to the hunter who wants to use it. save love letters in the shoebox.

13 July 2008

Bright Idea #56: An it harm None, do what Thou wilt.
"To label such products as 'disposable' is to falsify the reality. In the natural world there is no such problem as that of disposing of some product. The waste product from one lifeform is the nourishment of another. We, on the other hand, are making a world of universal waste and maximal entropy." Rain this morning into afternoon baked bread read popcorn and lemonade laundry and a phonecall from BFF theres a tension in her voice of things shes not saying but its not me. Went out into misty garden for greens ruby chard parsley forellenschuss romaine the lovely gourd blossoms luxurious pumpkin blossoms fragile melon blossoms tomatoes green i dig a little to chart dragon carrot progress and notice tiny chartreuse heads of broccoli. its a crazy quilt stitched with succulent purslane stars and for the first time i notice the cathedral architecture of cleome, the flowers like candles on a yule tree. the cleome emerge everywhere in the gardens and their presence is intelligent they wait for us to catch up with the universal math. the mans quote goes on to say that women are usually the clean-up crew, theres something encoded in our gender identities that say as much and men who have taken it on to make the rules make the mess too but have no idea how to clean it up. men to make a generalization are goal oriented, product oriented, with no consideration for whats sacrificed, whats left over, whats extinct. women know process, our biological storyline is a process whether we choose to bear Life or not. every month is a process the waxing and the waning the creating and the shedding of potential and if we choose to bring Life to bear its one cell at a time a strong gentle vessel for the Great Good. the alchemy of feeding others is a process raising a child is a process growing a garden is a process a Circle that echoes the Oldest Circle of All. man send his bucket down the Well and expects wine. we are no more evolved than we were a thousand years ago. were still killing one another theres still hunger and injustice cruelty and withholding. were letting them get away with it. why?

12 July 2008

Bright Idea #55: Open.
"Each minute of life should be a divine quest." Last nights fun. Wine and a tow-headed boy in rubber boots to play with, fiddle mandolin uke cymbals bells and clackers open to everything open to the world the faerie fort the dark night open to the house and its adventure the garden and its gifts. just playing the moment dancing to the music of the universe being at home laughing and giving myself one blessed night off from weltschmertz and unease bare feet in the cool grass of night reveling letting the wind blow through the old bones let the soul breathe. woke up late still giddy and laughing rolling around on the white bed the voice over the phone was giddy too were all riding some sweet wave of high summer where the death of winter seems a far planet where the energy flows through everything so strong. im home here humble and comfortable where things have use and beauty theres a sense of compassion and friendship a place where its okay to let your light shine you arent your body your income your car youre whoever you are that day they way the light hits you a prism and we stand there smiling in rainbows running toward Love in bare feet with sparklers blackberry stains on our fingers like sacrifice.

10 July 2008

Bright Idea #54: Maintain the Connection.
"We have received an inestimable gift. To be alive in this beautiful, self-organizing universe—to participate in the dance of life with senses to perceive it, lungs that breathe it, organs that draw nourishment from it—is a wonder beyond words. And it is, moreover, an extraordinary privilege to be accorded a human life, with this self-reflexive consciousness which brings awareness of our own actions and the ability to make choices. It lets us choose to take part in the healing of our world." Rani Rani Rani. i got the kids all cranked up and split. called #4 from outside the house but he was busy. got a chocolate bar and some petrol and it was a cool night the city smelled of linden flower the town of sewers the country of water. nina simone and thinking how lovely we were how incredibly young and explosive with potential energy that brought us to a stone table cafe i always like hearing about people what theyre becoming how they manage to maintain their chosen identities while mine still scuttles along the floor of silent seas. theyre out there befriending picked up like stitches dropped in distraction and im not that brave i feel like theres just too much for me to atone for and no ones out there cheering for my redemption so ill stick with the present and the bird in the hand and i still want to know their art and letters but from a remove, like a series of mirrors that makes a telescope. theyre stars in distant galaxies and it took so long to settle here on this little land that the telescope of second hand news suits me well. up close theyd burn too bright and i just dont have enough strength to say hello remember me? we danced in the dark room her little toes curled against my dress i tilled the corn rows and hope i didnt kill them all corns a hardy creature a brilliant bunch of sunflowers for the first turn our hearts are like the sun and everything makes much more sense when we live our lives around them.

09 July 2008

Bright Idea #53: Don't Wait.
"To open deeply, as genuine spiritual life requires, we need tremendous courage and strength, a kind of warrior spirit. But the place for this warrior strength is in the heart." I dont want to wait to put the wings on and walk down the aisle of a big box or a main street and blow bubbles grant wishes love my neighbor be Peace. there is nothing we have but Now. i want to strew seeds and smile and say hello. i want to connect and grow and evolve. i want to rescue myself from self-loathing and ostracism self-imposed exile from the isle of humankindness. whats the harm? i have a warrior heart i wont waste it. what do i get for the giving? i get to give more. the evening is bright and cool with lightning bugs and at least she called the doctor and thinking about it too much makes my belly ache. theres salt in with the seed and nothing in the field but a green wagon home with bells and applewood smoke a horse a goat a dog and a woman in a brown dress with soft sad eyes her face turned into the wind smelling other peoples dreams. i sense acutely the passage of time its the same feeling as when youre standing in the tide up to your ankles and the waves come in shushing and swirling and then pull back away toward the heart of the ocean. that drawing away, taking something away you never knew you had until just then and its feels good and frightening at the same time. i do my best whether or not its good enough. i do my best to believe, to play the part of me until theres no difference discernible and in starlight my path is as clear as water my path is as true as music my path compassion kindness clarity joy and waiting until im eighty to put those wings on is like waiting for the end of the world.

08 July 2008

Bright Idea #52: Think Happy Thoughts.
"Once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart
and gently tending its wounds will protect you from evil. Building a
fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more
vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you
can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to
withdraw so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one
word, one thought, or one breath." Hot and gauzy puttered and pulled little weeds but mostly drank water and read watched clouds the wind through the treehouse ate simple foods watered the plants in pots baked brownies resumed knitting on the painfully frogged pink bear. trying to revel in the heat as i do the cold going barefoot breathing easy in little to nothing watching my garden grow. shes scared but im faithful i walk in Light and Love flows through me. a long week until we can all say what needs saying and move on. but ill be here and not away here to water and weed and sit with her breathing bringing the Light down into the Cup growing stronger raspberry leaf and a blue bead so you know ill always Love you. Queen of Cups she said a golden goblet from which All Good Things come springing like a salmon in a pool scribing scrolls of water like a koi. for me its always been about belonging and not how happy i am to pick weeds and giggle on my own away from crowds and time but there are these very precious few who stand in silhouette on a hill before my setting sun that draw water from my well and my heart bursts like an old galaxy, scattering light.

07 July 2008

Bright Idea #51: Be Mindful of you Thoughts, Words and Deeds.
"I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These are your greatest treasures." Queen of Cups, Lady of the Grail. I am Loved and I am worthy of Love because the I the Divinity in me and that Itself is Love. Sky gauzy blue eights a little much when i took the picture i saw it in a totally new way. dance to the music of the Universe it said, surf the delta waves. wheres the connection? whats the frequency? what do we do? only our bodies age fall in in entropy and misuse abuse our minds are ageless timeless Home of the Soul that welcomes colors and games connection Nature itself made this Home this morning a toad for the garden and i imagined my treehouse in all five senses. where i am going i believe in with every cell that makes me and those cells themselves fall in and give way to new flesh that i still identify as me. its a Celestial Fountain this Great Mystery of Life and this flesh and the Soul it folds within itself. every moment a prayer every step a prayer every word a prayer of peace and bright blessing and just because someone doesnt think so doesnt make it true because i believe in the Great Good in us All. All One. and so lush and lovely my garden grows without the rows. the oracle said that frost is underfoot and ice is coming.

03 July 2008

Bright Idea #50: To Create is to Destroy; to Destroy, Create.
"Any single path truly taken leads to all the others. Even then, you will find that outward and inward become the same direction. The centre of the wheel is everywhere." So here we are again little Traveler my heart opens to a space that has no words. rain today i puttered and shifted the piles pasted and baked swept and walked in the rain to pick up the mail spread the love with lovely neighbor intimate creative i like to walk past the boundaries and smile offer my palms together offer my presence my consciousness my open heart space with no words. sweet carrot parsley beet with warm rice the colors of the earth the living food that fortifies. my BFF here we are and how does it happen? and if i could i would and i know this is something you need to do but how i would love to do it for you so thered be no danger no fear we need to be fearless in the presence of Love there is no fear its all Light. rain gentle and the garden rises to the millionth kiss responding to the gentle the sweet the what is and what should be we show the shadows with our cards and its a go either way so lets see what comes over the next hill a fortnight from now my Friend its a go either way i go with you.

02 July 2008

Bright Idea #49: Make Peace.
"We die on the day when our lives cease to be illuminated by the steady radiance, renewed daily, of wonder, the source of which is beyond all reason." Two hours early took advantage yarn store scent shop thrift shop book shop candy store sidewalk hot dog for #4 behaving for all the world as if i belonged im supposed to sit with it breathe through it apply the love peace and compassion i pour on others onto my self water the seeds to feed the world the ground between the corn rows is packed clay and hard to hoe but the corn grows everything grows we tend it we give of ourselves our energy need to weed out the habits words actions thoughts that drain energy away from good growth its so amazing under the trees with the kissing breeze and smiling dogs i bought a trade paperback of a book i remember my mother reading. my mother never got a chance to have a life of her own it was always someone elses. called BFF to see how the party went someone wouldnt say no someone didnt say no women are the conduits of fierce magick garden magick thread magick hearth magick. were so free and everywhere we look were in chains (merci, Rousseau). on that note, this is the month everyone takes the pledge and gets a colonoscopy. lets hear it for free will.

01 July 2008

Bright Idea #48: Live your Own Unique Beautiful Life.
"the universe is the mirror in which we can contemplate only what we have learned to know in ourselves." lovely evening bike ride these valley streets pitch so its trudge or rattle bells ringing horseless caravan LaLa shudders in the basket but its what she asked for. morning pages in rising sunlight little chores slash and burn through the purslane pigweed dandelion chunking the cheap hoe through rich clay too hot for the valiant peas spinach bolting mexican sunflower only now emerging lavender flowering thrice evicted roses holding on. little cabbages in their glorious nests like baby heads beans dragging their blooms tomatoes fruiting and sensual in the humid heat. i am blessed and protected here tracing through the short grass and soft packed earth i love so well my feet kissing the earth thank you thank you i celebrate myself here with you now this dance we do i plant the seed you give it room to grow you feed me i will feed you sift through another kind of seed planted after a life cycle dancing feeling way open until theres nothing left but light.
"And if the question were asked: What is more real, the mundane or the sublime? most would hesitate before they gave an answer. On the one side, details: say, the aftermath of a breakfast, dirty chipped plates in the sink, their rims encrusted with egg yolk. Against this, the unnameable: small aching heart with boasts, what can you know? Outside the cage of everything we ever heard or saw, beyond, outside, above, there lies the real, hiding as long as we shall live, there stretch and trail the millions of names of God burning across the eons. When all through this our end will come before we even know the names of us.

For many the egg yolk prevails." -L.M.

"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."

"The perfection of the Absolute where all Becoming stops and pure Being, immutable, timeless, unchanging, hangs forever like a ripe peach upon the bough." -E.A.

"...and the whole incident was incredibly frazzling and angst-rod and filled almost a whole mead notebook and is here recounted in only its barest psycho-skeletal outline." -D.F.W.

"At the top of the mountain, we are all snow leopards." -H.S.T.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." -D.T.
"Cometh a voice: My children, hear; From the crowded street and the close-packed mart I call you back with my message clear, back to my lap and my loving heart. Long have ye left me, journeying on by range and river and grassy plain, to the teeming towns where the rest have gone - come back, come back to my arms again. So shall ye lose the foolish needs that gnaw your souls; and my touch shall serve to heal the fretted nerve. Treading the turf that ye once loved well, instead of the stones of the city's street, ye shall hear nor din nor drunken yell, but the wind that croons in the ripening wheat. I that am old have seen long since ruin of palaces made with hands for the soldier-king and the priest and prince whose cities crumble in desert sands. But still the furrow in many a clime yields softly under the ploughman's feet; still there is seeding and harvest time, and the wind still croons in the ripening wheat. The works of man are but little worth; for a time they stand, for a space endure; but turn once more to your mother - Earth, my gifts are gracious, my works are sure. Instead of the strife and pain I give you peace, with its blessing sweet. Come back, come back to my arms again, for the wind still croons in the ripening wheat."
-John Sandes, The Earth-Mother (excerpt, 1918)